-=[ 29/07/2007 ]=-
my blog's been rotting for ages and I never expected myself to revive it in this manner. At least not until now. I thought I needed someone to talk to badly. But then why the urge to tell someone the screw ups in my life? To add on to someone's else burden and to receive the superficial sympathy. As if what I've been through wasn't already superficial enough. ok straight to the point. I broke up with shiru tonight. For now it stays that way. maybe one day things will revert back to the way things were n i'll even regret this posting but now things remain this way. u think i am sad. u think im depressed, distraught and probably tryin to act nonchalent. Quite just the opposite. Im calm, collected and composed after my decision. I guess I just had enough. There must be a limit somehow and since what we're goin through isnt exactly how we (or I) want it to be then I see no pt in postpon-ing an inevitable ending. Yes I thought about us gettin married n our future together. I believed in it and I was naive. For its true when they say that nothing is absolutely certain. We loved each other deeply a long time ago. BUt ever since some day, our feelings have eroded with time, so gradually that we didn't notice it till all became too late to salvage. Everytime she was down in these months (quite so often), I try to be there for her, comfort her and cheer her up whenever possible but she ignored my efforts. She went into disappearing stunts, threw her temper when I was just being concerned for her and kept to herself. Tgth for a period of 3yrs and yet she still cant open up to me n tell me about what she's havin in mind or feeling inside. I am thinkin its easier for her sharin with her friends and it doesnt make me feel any better. It just doesnt make sense for a couple that cannot relate to each other emotionally to stay tgth. To make things worse, she can choose to be moody when I call her in the morning and in a few hours time be all high n cheerful again when we're out with our friends today. And how is she expecting to me react to such consistencies? To put blame on mood swings time and time again does not solve the issue. I am tired of making myself believe that she loves me from this day onwards. Coming short of my expectations time and time again, I really envy this couple I saw on friendster. Their love so strong I could sense it right from the photos. Sigh. I know her well enough. I understand her. Thats why this time I'll not be satisfied with just anth empty promise. "If given the chance again, I'll make it up to you and be the best" I've heard it once before and I believe its more than enough. Why allow myself to be treated in this way? Maybe the movie 'stomp the yard' played a greater influence on me than I imagined. Others may think that Im childish but I think I've matured. Although this time my heart was wrenching and tears well-ed when I read her last sms but at least I did not cry. Or that Im just numbed.
tonight was suppose to be filled with more love than any other day when I was supposed to go over n keep u company when ur parents are overseas. but I am sorry that things turned out this way. some part of me still asking "Is this really e end?" I really dont know.
kian scribbled at <12:01 am>